Moms have the toughest job in the world. We have to be all things to all people, often putting everyone else’s needs above our own. Sometimes I can fall into patterns of people pleasing, or move into my drill sergeant mode because I just need to get things done. And worse, at times it feels like no one is happy and everyone blames me for their problems.
Moms have the toughest job in the world.
Trying to manage all these relationships can leave me exhausted. It's is a lonely place to be and I have been there often. However, when I learned the secret to radically changing my relationships, it transformed my life. Ultimately, this attitude shift has brought me to a place of joy that is not dependent on circumstance.
My first introduction to this philosophy was during a marriage enrichment class. The kids were preschoolers and I was overwhelmed with my child’s open-heart surgery, autoimmune diseases and unpredictable behavior. Finances were tight and communication between my husband and I was next to nothing. Worse, attending a marriage class wasn’t an activity my husband wanted to participate in but I knew it was something we needed to do. I was persistent. The class was the beginning of change.
Ultimately, this attitude shift has brought me to a place of joy that is not dependent on circumstance.
Sitting amongst couples of all ages, I had an “a-ha!” moment. It didn’t happen overnight, but through the years this mantra has been at the core of beautiful transformation.
Pastor Bill taught the class and presented a common scenario. He said every spouse, man or woman, says the same thing. “If you my spouse would do this, this and this, then I would be happy. Life would be easier. It’s all his (or her) fault. He (or she) is the problem.” And, I was thinking, “YES! This is so true.” And, I’m certain that my husband's thoughts raced in the same direction.
Pastor Bill continued. I resonated with his words until he dropped the bombshell, something we all like to avoid. The truth is, we can’t change anyone else. Not our children, spouses, friends, coworkers or parents. The only person we can change is ourselves.
I was not happy with this lesson, as blame and judgement filled my mind of all the ways my husband could be a better person.
The only person we can change is ourselves.
"The only person we can change is ourselves" kept cycling through my life. And, after two decades, I have learned that any good therapist will start with this one truth.
This motto of change applies to parents. As I was dealing with my daughter’s oppositional behavior, I had my first breakthrough with the same resounding message; I needed to be the change I wanted to see, no matter what relationship I was struggling with.
If I want more respect from my husband, I need to respect him more. If I want more kindness, I need to first show compassion and forgiveness. If I want my son to listen, I need to really listen to what he is saying even if it's not of interest to me, and respond with enthusiasm.
I need to be the change I want to see.
The beauty of this truth, is that in order to get my needs met, the first step is figuring out what I really need from others to feel connected, respected and loved. When I understand this, it gives me a blueprint for how I need to interact with the people who matter the most in my life.
The first step is figuring out what I really need from others to feel connected, respected and loved. When I understand this, it gives me a blueprint for how I need to interact with loved ones.
Being the change that I want to see is not easy. It’s takes commitment and practice but from experience, this awareness changes everything. Those initial dark years of overwhelm were long ago but as we celebrate 34 years of marriage this year, our family is thriving and more connected than ever. While life continues to challenge us, we are committed to being the change we want to see in our lives.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
Ephesians 4:22-24
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